The New Fucking Old TestamentMatt Taylor, ásamt félaga sínum, eru að skrifa
sína eigin útgáfuaf Gamla testamentinu og finnst mér rétt að bera hróður þess
eins langt og síðan mín nær. Hér kemur brot af byrjuninni:
The Old Testament of the Queen James Version of the BibleThe First Book of Freaks: Called Genetics1:1 In the beginning God created sex, drugs and rock and roll.
1:2 And the earth was sadly lacking in, well, anything really. It was also pretty dark, so God went surfing.
1:3 And God said “Let there be light, according to the Wave theory” (What a prick, they’re obviously particles).
1:4 God thought his light was pretty fap. Of course he would. Then he separated the light from the darkness, using a special kind of colander.
1:5 God called the light “Light” and the dark “Dark”. Unimaginative shithead.
1:6 Then God said (Who the fuck is he talking to) something about firmaments. Earth looked bemused.
1:7 The firmament turned out to be a fence.
1:8 God called the firmament “Robin Gibb”, as this was his favourite Bee Gee.
1:9 God selected “Water” for the oceans, casting aside “Jizz”, “Fairy Liquid” and “Molten Butter”.
1:10 God made some islands, some in the shape of phallic objects. Others spelling rude words.
1:11 God planted some stuff. It took him a fair while because of his chronic back disorder.
1:12 God’s stuff grew, while he kicked back in the conservatory.
1:13 Before he knew it, he was on the 3rd day, and he hadn’t even created pizza yet.
1:14 God was feeling particularly fabulous today, so he made the skies sparkly like his gold spandex jumpsuit.
1:15 God put up some fairy lights. £19.99 for 180 from B&Q
1:16 God made the sun, because his shitty wave light ran away. Then he made the sun’s half-brother, the moon, who was epileptic.
1:17 God told them to sit tight, this could be a long universe,
1:18 God sat back and decided to admire his handiwork a bit more, maybe if he’d been working instead of slacking, we’d have had people by now!
1:19 Day 4 in the Big Brother Universe.
1:20 God made fishy things and birds. What are birds? He just didn’t know.
1:21 God made whales. And Wales. In that order. He was from Glamorgan, so it was sort of patriotic.
1:22 God told the creatures on the earth to go and multiply, For he shall soon create humans, the destroyers of all that is eatable.
1:23 Day number 5 (Thank fuck it’s Friday).
1:24 God made slightly more complex creatures like cows and velociraptors. They didn’t get on.
1:25 God took the velociraptors out of the equation and inserted chickens instead. He decided they would be much less ferocious.
1:26 "Right!" God said, "time to make humans!" But first, a cup of tea.
1:27 God created man in his own image, with some of the faults removed.
1:28 God fed them this whole spiel about killing other things and dominating all. They found it muchly hilarious.
1:29 He told them to go party, cos there’s plenty of nibbles to go round.
1:30 God invented green vegetables. Broccoli last of all.
1:31 God kicked back again, check his shit out, it was coming along nicely, so he thought. It was day 6, and still no decent food!
2:1 Thus the heavens and the earth were finished in a nice shade of green, and God said "I do enjoy green."
2:2 And on the seventh day God finished his work and called for a pizza; and he retired to the smoking room for a fag.
2:3 And God blessed the seventh day, and blew smoke all over it, and because he was a lazy bastard he didn't even sign it. Not even in the corner. A true craftsman would. A man like Snowy.
2:4 God was pretty chuffed. That commie Buddha hadn't done anything as awesome as this.
2:5 But as God looked down, he saw all the fields and the herbs as they grew. "Bugger," he said, when he realised that he'd not made any rain (or indeed any irrigation system).
2:6 God put down his fag and created a great mist from the earth, which not only looked pretty good but watered the face of the ground too.
2:7 And then God formed man of the dust of the ground, and performed CPR to provide the breath of life and man became a living soul. "Holy crap!" said man.
2:8 And God planted a garden, with a nice two level shrubbery and a path going through the middle in Eden, which was just south of Islington, and there he put the man he had created.
2:9 And out of the ground God make some trees which were kind of pretty, if a bugger to clean up after in autumn. Also they had apples, which were rather nice. In the midst of the garden he created the tree of life, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil and also the knowledge of how to remove red wine stains from almost any surface or cloth with only the power of vinegar!
2:10 All yours for only £9.99! God decided to finally get his finger out and create some irrigation system for Eden, so in went a river. Then things got really fucked up, because they became four heads.
2:11 The name of the first is Psion; that it provides palmtop software and hardware and enables you to access your data on the go;
2:12 Other features include: e-mail, games, word processing and urine analysis.
2:13 The name of the second river is Gorilla: the same that generally makes rather a mess of things in Cornwall.
2:14 And the name of the third river is Herpes: that is rather unfortunately filled with snakes and for some reason the steering wheels of 1986 VW cars. Nobody cares about the fourth river, but it's called Shopping Trolley Gorge.
2:15 And God took the man, slapped him into the garden of Eden (just south of Islington) and said unto him that he should dress it and keep it nice and clean up any turds which may appear.
2:16 And God, inserting several cigars into his mouth said, "You may order pizza, Chinese or eat from any tree in the garden:
2:17 However, eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil and also the tree of knowledge of how to remove red wine stains from almost any surface or cloth with only the power of vinegar (only £9.99) then you'll probably die."
2:18 And God, sliding a cigar into his nose said, "It is not good you are alone. You'd probably just wank all the time. I'll give him some company."
2:19 And, out of the ground, God pulled up some animals. Like a deer and perhaps a giraffe. Also there were birds created, but what are birds? God just didn't know. Adam called the creatures names and lo, they stuck.
2:20 Adam gave them all names, even the skinny ones with three legs and the same amount of eyes, he named the birds too, but they just kept shitting on him. Adam was still devoid of company, however, so turned to compulsive masturbation.
2:21 So God slipped Adam some rohypnol and cut him. Cut him good. He pulled out two of his ribs, and marinated and ate one.
2:22 With the other, he made a woman. The entire process is pretty disgusting and God would rather not talk about it.
2:23 And Adam said, "How the fuck did I get home last night? Whoa, hello sweetcheeks!"
2:24 Then God said some shit which nobody listened to, so God just smoked some more cigars.
2:25 Both man and woman were starkers, the man and his wife, and they were not ashamed. This is, it seems, not because they were blind (or indeed naturist s), but generally because they were rather stupid.
